When you’re out there
meeting women
regularly, you’re bound to find — and sometimes even fall for — girls
who already have boyfriends. Which can be a frustrating, confusing
experience: There’s nothing quite like connecting with someone who turns
out to be attached.
In these situations, you have two options: move on, or try anyway.
But making the decision between resignation and pursuit can be
difficult. What’s the protocol? What’s the move? And is it acceptable to
chase a girl who already has a boyfriend?
That’s what we’ll be tackling in this piece. But first, we have to answer one important question.
Why do you want a girl with a boyfriend?
Before you go any further, you have to ask yourself why you want a
girl who is already spoken for. With over three billion women in the
world (and not a few of them living within 50 miles of you), what makes
this one so special? Why this one?
If you have a compelling answer to that question, then there might be
a good reason to pursue her. If you don’t — if there isn’t anything
particularly outstanding about this person — then you already have a
reason to respect her circumstances and move on. We’re not here to tell
you when and when not to pursue a girl with a boyfriend, only to
consider whether there’s a good reason.
If you do choose to pursue her, then next thing you must understand
is that the process won’t be easy or always pleasant. Going after a
woman who is already attached comes with a few built-in problems.
To start, her breakup — even if wants the relationship to end — will
be difficult and painful for everyone involved. It might even be too
painful for her to be with anyone in the short term. What’s more,
people’s feelings are highly unpredictable immediately following a
breakup. So while she might be interested now, or six weeks from now,
she could easily change her mind. You just don’t know how things will
shake out after the breakup, no matter what the situation is when you
meet.
But let’s say everything goes exactly according to plan. She and her
boyfriend break up, she tells you she’s madly in love with you, and the
two of you start a relationship. Terrific — but here’s a common problem:
You might wonder if there’s another guy around the corner trying to get
her to break up with you. You’ll always wonder if the relationship the
two of you have is going to meet the same fate as the last one she was
in. This might be rational or irrational, likely or unlikely — but the
fear just might linger. That’s some serious baggage to have to work
through, and it can have a corrosive effect on your relationship. Here,
as in most relationship challenges, sharing your concerns and discussing
them openly will be essential. But it can also lead to some nasty
residual fears. The quality of her character — what kind of person she
is — should guide your feelings about her post break-up.
So given these risks, ask yourself this: Do you really like this girl, or do you just want to “win?”
The desire to be with someone because you can’t imagine being with
anyone else is very powerful. But so is the desire to be victorious, to
prove that you’re better, stronger, or more attractive, to demonstrate
your ability to subvert an existing relationship for your own
validation. These aren’t fun feelings to acknowledge, but they’re
crucial to recognize, because they’re inherent to the male experience.
We must understand our motivations whenever we pursue a woman,
especially when there’s someone else in the picture.
That should be one of your guiding questions: whether you’re chasing
someone to make yourself feel good, or because you must be with this
person.
Is it even acceptable to go after a girl with a boyfriend?
We’re not here to dole out philosophical advice, but we do want to
touch on the larger question of whether it’s acceptable to pursue a girl
who is already dating someone. In short, sometimes it is, and sometimes
it isn’t. Once again, your motivations will help you examine the
ethical aspect of chasing a girl with a boyfriend.
All practical considerations aside, if a girl is in a relationship
that is unhealthy, abusive or otherwise toxic, you shouldn’t shed any
tears about breaking it up. You should, however, think long and hard
about the implications of inserting yourself into a toxic relationship
(and dating someone who would enter one). At the end of the day, you
probably can’t “save” her, so check any part of you that wants to. All
you can do is be a supportive, caring friend, let her know that you’re
interested, and hope she chooses you. But getting involved in a toxic
relationship is also a bit like a quicksand pit. The harder you try to
get her, the more enmeshed you become in her toxic relationship, which
saps your energy and makes it harder for you to be a strong, healthy
person.
There’s also a big difference between having a boyfriend and having a
serious boyfriend. A guy she’s kind of been dating for a couple months
isn’t quite the same as a guy she’s been living with for the last five
years. In the former case, it’s not really that big of a deal, ethically
speaking, if you make your move and the guy isn’t a close friend of
yours. In the latter, you need to seriously consider your reasons for
chasing her — and determine whether you both want to pursue this
relationship.
There’s one overriding condition that, in our book, generally gives
you carte blanche to pursue a girl no matter her circumstances. If you
feel that you must be with this person, and — this is essential — the
feeling is clearly mutual (that is, she feels about you the way you feel
about her, and you both want to be together), then you can and should
go for it. That doesn’t mean it’s the “right” relationship, or that the
transition will be easy, or that your relationship will necessarily work
out. But ethically speaking, two self-aware adults choosing to be with
each other despite any previous attachments is a reasonable ground upon
which to build a relationship. In that case, of course, you’re both
pursuing each other.
But there also strong reasons not to pursue an attached woman. If a
girl is in a relationship that makes her happy, why would you want to
break it up? (Again, we return to the question of motivation.) The odds
of you successfully breaking her up without doing some shady things
you’ll later regret are pretty slim. And besides, if you really like
this person, shouldn’t you be happy for her? There are excellent reasons
to be friends with women, and — as we often say on the podcast — female
friends are essential to a well-rounded social life.
So consider the practical and ethical considerations here. Again, we
can’t tell you what to think, feel or do. We can only share the right
questions to ask so you can make sound decisions for the long term.
Getting her to fall in love with you
If you’re going to get any woman to fall in love with you, it needs
to be from a place of strength and confidence. Your abundance mentality —
the mindset that there are tons of women out there who you could start a
relationship with — is going to help you maintain the perspective and
attitude you need to get a girl with a boyfriend to fall in love with
you. And in fact, that’s true: There are tons of other women out there
you can date if things don’t work out with this girl.
But your abundance mentality is part of a bigger picture. You need to
put yourself first when wooing anyone, especially a girl who already
has a boyfriend. In practice, that means having time for her only when
you actually have time for her. Don’t let your work, your passions and
hobbies, your self-improvement, your gym routine or any other part of
your life suffer because you’re trying to get a woman who already has a
boyfriend to fall in love with you. The best and most attractive thing
you can offer her right now is your strength and independence from her
situation. Running every time she says she needs you erodes that
strength and independence.
Setting boundaries is also important when you’re trying to get a girl
to fall in love with you. It’s doubly important when you’re trying to
get a girl to fall in love with you when she already has a boyfriend. If
you’re nothing more than a shoulder for her to cry on, she might love
you, but she won’t be in love with you. You’ll be her friend, the guy
she calls to complain about her relationship, but not the man she
considers as a partner. In general, it’s a good policy to separate
yourself as much as possible from whatever relationship she’s in at the
moment. But if you do want to lend a sympathetic ear or offer advice,
make sure that it’s on your terms and when the time is right for you.
Don’t go dropping everything every time she needs to talk.
As with any woman, when you’re trying to get a girl who already has a
boyfriend to fall in love with you, building a connection is essential.
Presumably, if you want a girl who already has a boyfriend to fall in
love with you, you’ve already made some kind of a connection with her.
But you can always do a little more to deepen the connection you already
have and push it toward romantic love. That, more than anything, will
give her a compelling reason to be with you.
One powerful way to be there for her while simultaneously creating
attraction is to make her laugh. Don’t underestimate what a laugh means
to a girl — especially one who is struggling with her relationship.
Making her laugh, being silly and joking around give her a subtle refuge
from what she’s going through at home. You don’t need to have “heavy”
talks about what her relationship is like to be supportive. You just
have to show her a good time. It’s those visceral feelings that will
eventually move her to choose you.
At the same time, she might not be getting a lot of interest in her
at home. One hallmark of bad relationships is that one or both parties
start feeling unappreciated. She might have totally forgotten what it
feels like to have a man want her. Making her feel appreciated and
desired might be the emotional step you need to spark romance between
the two of you.
What’s more, she might be in a relationship with a guy she no longer
has much in common with. If this is the case, play to your strength in
having more in common with her — not superficially, but emotionally,
intellectually and creatively. Sometimes, especially in long-term
relationships, one partner can become disinterested or out of step with
the passions of the other person. Celebrating your common interests —
whether it’s a brand of humor or a side project — can help to deepen
attraction and make you more desirable. Remember, your goal isn’t to
manufacture interest (this would be disingenuous, manipulative and
potentially worse than the dynamic of the relationship she’s already
in), but to be unapologetically excited about the things you two share.
Finally, and on a very practical note, don’t forget the role of
touch. Once your emotional and intellectual chemistry is developed, you
must find a way to express your physical interest in her. You run the
risk of being the shoulder she cries on when her relationship is bad, or
just an escape from her bad relationship, without a physical component.
Touch sends a clear message that you’re interested in her sexually, and
not just as a friend. It also allows you to test her interest in you,
and to slowly, respectfully, move the boundaries of your existing
relationship forward. If she reciprocates, then an attraction is almost
certainly developing between you.
In short, getting a woman in a relationship to fall for you is very
difficult, complex and far from guaranteed. It can also be more trouble
than it’s worth. But for rare cases where you can’t imagine being with
anyone else, it can absolutely be worth it. Remember: If she’s your
friend, you’ve already made the most meaningful connection of all. Now
you just need to shift that a little bit and the two of you can have
something even more than friends. Whatever you choose, continually
return to the why. Your motivations and her feelings, more than anything
else, will be your guide in this challenging but important dynamic.
Image credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/anabadili/2827062969
